Just Checking In

I'm just checking in.  I don't have much to say but I'm having a good week so far.  I'm basically out in the real world figuring out how to deal with my stress.  Here's my list so far: Exercise...well, Zumba; deep breathing; physically writing in my journal, which is very different from writing here; and playing spider solitaire.  I'm still not out of Bonkerville but I'm still going in the right direction.

I've been thinking about why I've suddenly started turning to food again and I realized that it takes a lot of mental energy to be healthy when you've spent your life not.  Lately, I haven't wanted to work that hard.  Honestly, I just have felt tired, mentally. Here's what I wrote today, instead of eating a bagel:

"I think too much about food.  I need to focus on the other aspects of my life but honestly, when you're tired you don't have the energy to.  I just want to relax! I don't feeling like working on shit!  I don't feel like TRYING to be a better parent or TRYING to lose weight or TRYING to be healthier...TRYING to go back to school or TRYING to do better financially...I just wish that some stuff could just be what I want it to be.  That's totally realistic right? HA! Ok, so food gives me pleasure at a time when I'm feeling overwhelmed and it's mindless and effortless but it's not painless.  I need to find the other things that bring me pleasure.  Exercise...well Zumba and my class, sex and intimacy, Bboy when he's not over the moon crazy, playing spider solitaire, watching TV, watching the scale move down! achieving and being successful.  Being in control & feeling powerful.


I got great satisfaction from the feeling of "overcoming" and "winning the battle" over food.  I want that back.  I miss not being tempted by food.  I think I don't have the mental energy to resist.  The battle is really raging inside me and I'm really tired!  I just want it to be easy for a minute.  I want all the struggle to leave my head and I think giving in does that.  There's peace for a minute.  Maybe my Zumba class does that too.  I think there is a physical thing that happens by pushing myself in the workout and I feel good.  I feel good after too!  That's different from the eating.  I don't feel good after, when I regain my senses and think about what I've done.


If I could be fat, healthy and happy this wouldn't be an issue!  Why is life so hard?  Maybe I can just write my way through life and not have to make things work...I can just think about how things can work best and never have to put it into practice.  I'm really good at that.  


I guess my task now is getting over this notion that life is supposed to be easy.  Shit happens and I have to deal.  I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and get off my ass and make some things happen.  I've worked too fucking hard for almost a year to give up for a cookie!  I can fight, I'm tough and if I'm not, learning how to be tough is better than being a pussy any day!  Pity party over and when you feel pitiful again...write!  Or breathe or exercise or sing a Zumba song or think about your goal!  Keep watching those pounds come off.  You can do this...Ok, get back to work...you're strong enough until the next pity party!"

I actually like that free writing.  It's my place to work my stuff out.  Whatever comes to my mind, putting it down on paper for no one, just me.  It actually really did help me through wanting to eat naughty things!  I may share more on here or maybe not.