Happy New Year!
I haven't been around for a while and unfortunately I must say that I did not do a good job of sticking with my eating program.
I used to think that I handled stress amazingly well. I would watch others relying on destructive behaviors like drinking, smoking, drugs, lashing out at others or just shutting others out and shutting themselves down. That wasn't me, at least I don't think that was me. Truth is I had my own destructive behavior...FOOD. I learned early in my journey that I'm an emotional eater and that stress triggers my craving to eat. I know this. Except lately, I've allowed myself to return to some of those old coping with food behaviors.
My surge in cooking, adapting off-plan foods to my program, baking off-plan foods for others to enjoy were all things that slowly (or not so slowly) led me back to an unhealthy relationship with food. I was thinking about it all the time because of researching and experimenting. Food was central for enjoyment and not sustenance. I debated the issue in a previous post and I guess the answer is "I'm not there yet."
So, yesterday I went back to basics. I began a new "six weeks" for my program. I have never stopped doing the program but I did stop counting the weeks in six week increments. Well, I'm in the first week of a new six weeks with a goal of losing 25 pounds. That's the remaining weight that I have to lose. I don't know if my body will lose that quickly but I will follow the plan exactly and go for broke!
I also need to deal with how I cope. One positive thing that I've done has been to step up my exercise regimen. I worked out almost everyday from December 24th to January 2nd...at least eight of of ten days. I also upped the intensity, weights and added ab work. However, I've been dealing with some stress that I actually haven't dealt with, if that makes sense. Here's the deal folks. I need some help. I'm gonna share some stuff that I don't need any feedback on but just need to share. Then, I'm going to tell you what I need you guys to do to help me be accountable to myself.
Health Issues--If you've been reading then you know I recently had a lymph node biopsy of an enlarged lymph node. The initial and fantabulous report of there being no cancer is still fantabulous but unfortunately has not been the end of the story. The doctors are still testing for other diseases or conditions that could be causing my lymph nodes to enlarge. According to the pathologists, the lymph node does not present itself as harmless but they have not been able to detect anything wrong. The node has been sent off to other experts for further testing. I've been in a "what the hell is going on in my body" mode since September and on a emotional roller coaster of first being relieved that there was no cancer to being terrified that maybe that wasn't the worst case scenario. I need to say, that I have amazingly wonderful people around me who give me a tremendous amount of support and encouragement, who help me to stay positive and always think the best...but there are times when I just need someone to listen to me be scared and to give voice to the terror that exists in my brain about what going on with me. Honestly, I think the result of all of this will be the same as a year ago. I think that I am one of a small percent of people who has enlarged lymph nodes for no apparent reason...or no apparent horrible, life threatening reason. BUT, I have to acknowledge the fact that it may be something else and that scares me...so here goes, here's my voice saying that "I'm terrified that I could have the battle for my life on the horizon...that I could be seriously debilitated in some way just as I've gotten my health and body in the best condition it's ever been...or even worse, that I will not see my son grow up." Ok, with that said, whatever is out there for me, I will deal.
Mothering--I've talked before about my struggles with mommihood. Being a single mom is THE hardest thing that I have ever done, hands down! I say this and I have a lot of support. I live with my parents and they help me to no end with raising an intelligent, strong-willed, opinionated, energetic, physical and rough & tumble almost 4 year old. I struggle all the time with defining for myself a style of parenting that will work for us and this is complicated by sharing that responsibility with two other adults who are grand parent guardians and a father who is a part of his son's life but does not live with him. And, if I'm honest, I would say that I'm intimidated by the fact that of these adults I am the only one who is doing this for the first time. Lately, there has been a lot of concern about the aggressive and defiant behavior that my son is displaying. I don't know if his behavior is abnormal for his age and personality but I do know that I have struggled somewhat with how to channel the positive aspects of his strong personality and lessen the destructive/unhealthy/pain-in-the-ass negative aspects. I'm working on it and I'm feeling more confident in things that I can/need to do to teach him how to be a thinking, caring and sociable boy. But I've been stressed about it.
My Journey--People tell me all the time how much I've inspired them and that is inspiring to me. I've been asked how will I use my journey to help others and to even benefit myself. The one thing that I've learned lately is that my journey isn't over. I think I fooled myself into thinking that I had arrived at my destination, but I haven't reached my goal and while I've discovered the answers to a lot of questions, I haven't answered all of my questions or even asked them all. I know that I can keep sharing my journey, but that's it for now. I have to finish helping myself and figuring it out. I have to continue to find my own inspiration, reinvest in my own commitment and ask myself everyday if I'm doing the things that will allow me to accomplish my goal.
And this leads me to the point when I tell you what I need from you, whoever you are out there who've been paying attention. When I'm not blogging, I'm off my game. If you're not getting blogs from me, then I need you to email me...firstname.lastname@example.org or call me if you have my number or hit me up on Facebook and ask me what the hell is up! I guarantee you, if the blogs aren't coming I'm feeling overwhelmed, uninspired or out of balance. My goal is to blog at least three times a week, except during training weeks when I know I feel overwhelmed, uninspired and out of balance...I give myself a pass for that week, cause a girl is just tired! (That will be next week, by the way.) So, that's what I need from you guys as I work to try to get the final 25 pounds off my hips forever...actually my hips are looking pretty hot--my thighs, arms and gut could use 25 off.
Thank you guys for being there so far...more to come.