I'm just checking in. I don't have much to say but I'm having a good week so far. I'm basically out in the real world figuring out how to deal with my stress. Here's my list so far: Exercise...well, Zumba; deep breathing; physically writing in my journal, which is very different from writing here; and playing spider solitaire. I'm still not out of Bonkerville but I'm still going in the right direction.
I've been thinking about why I've suddenly started turning to food again and I realized that it takes a lot of mental energy to be healthy when you've spent your life not. Lately, I haven't wanted to work that hard. Honestly, I just have felt tired, mentally. Here's what I wrote today, instead of eating a bagel:
"I think too much about food. I need to focus on the other aspects of my life but honestly, when you're tired you don't have the energy to. I just want to relax! I don't feeling like working on shit! I don't feel like TRYING to be a better parent or TRYING to lose weight or TRYING to be healthier...TRYING to go back to school or TRYING to do better financially...I just wish that some stuff could just be what I want it to be. That's totally realistic right? HA! Ok, so food gives me pleasure at a time when I'm feeling overwhelmed and it's mindless and effortless but it's not painless. I need to find the other things that bring me pleasure. Exercise...well Zumba and my class, sex and intimacy, Bboy when he's not over the moon crazy, playing spider solitaire, watching TV, watching the scale move down! achieving and being successful. Being in control & feeling powerful.
I got great satisfaction from the feeling of "overcoming" and "winning the battle" over food. I want that back. I miss not being tempted by food. I think I don't have the mental energy to resist. The battle is really raging inside me and I'm really tired! I just want it to be easy for a minute. I want all the struggle to leave my head and I think giving in does that. There's peace for a minute. Maybe my Zumba class does that too. I think there is a physical thing that happens by pushing myself in the workout and I feel good. I feel good after too! That's different from the eating. I don't feel good after, when I regain my senses and think about what I've done.
If I could be fat, healthy and happy this wouldn't be an issue! Why is life so hard? Maybe I can just write my way through life and not have to make things work...I can just think about how things can work best and never have to put it into practice. I'm really good at that.
I guess my task now is getting over this notion that life is supposed to be easy. Shit happens and I have to deal. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and get off my ass and make some things happen. I've worked too fucking hard for almost a year to give up for a cookie! I can fight, I'm tough and if I'm not, learning how to be tough is better than being a pussy any day! Pity party over and when you feel pitiful again...write! Or breathe or exercise or sing a Zumba song or think about your goal! Keep watching those pounds come off. You can do this...Ok, get back to work...you're strong enough until the next pity party!"
I actually like that free writing. It's my place to work my stuff out. Whatever comes to my mind, putting it down on paper for no one, just me. It actually really did help me through wanting to eat naughty things! I may share more on here or maybe not.
Showing posts with label weght loss and fitness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weght loss and fitness. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
There's Always Something
I had a rough day yesterday and was stressed to the point of wanting to go get a protein bar and drown my sorrows. I decided, in that moment, to stick with my program. I ate my snack that I had prepared (another reason to prepare all of your meals and take them with you...less of an excuse to turn to ick.) and enjoyed it. As I drove home, I realized that I was taking my old route that led me right past my old haunt, Burger King. There was a twinge of nostalgia but I kept it moving.
I got home and the emotions were in full swing but I had extra salad, extra mushrooms, extra grape tomatoes...I didn't have extra protein or extra carbs. I wanted a sweet banana or the granola that I make for my PM snack but I had a grapefruit...I had a whole one instead of half like I'm supposed to. Overall, I think I made better decisions than I used to make but guess what I didn't cope well.
The truth about changing your life (and there are folks who will think that I'm being too hard or strict) but the truth is, there is always something. There is always something that will push me to want to eat when I'm stressed, just like there is always something in an alcoholic that will push them to want to drink or a gambler to gamble or shopper to shop or a drug addict to drug:-) I have to learn to cope without using food. That can't be my solace because a grapefruit today will be a cake tomorrow.
I haven't figured it out. I know that this morning, for my prework-out meal I wanted to eat 3 hard boiled egg whites, 1/2 cup of granola and 1 large banana (which would have constituted a pre-workout meal)...instead I ate 2 egg whites, 1/4 c granola. I chose this because I was satisfied and had I eaten the rest I would have been full instead of satisfied. That's part of it. Listening to my body telling me I've had enough.
The other thing I know is that, I woke up this morning and wanted to roll over instead of get up and work out like I planned. Truth is, I did roll over. I hit snooze and promised myself I'd get in my 5 workouts somehow. A few minutes later I popped out of bed and prepared myself to workout. As I worked out, I pushed myself to have a great workout and not slack up because I wasn't feeling it. About 10 minutes in, I was feeling it. My body was loosening up and my mind was pumping out positive thoughts. I was coping.
There are other things that I need to incorporate into my coping bag of tricks...I'm doing one of them right now and I'll figure other, healthy methods as I go. I know the hug my son gave me last night worked:-) The thing that I do know, in the midst of life's uncertainty is that I there's always something and it's okay because I'm okay.
****
In other news: So, something else that I was reminded of last night as I logged in my foods is that it makes a difference what you eat when. The combination of foods that you eat on a given day impact your overall diet. That seems pretty obvious, but I've spent almost 9 months just dealing with portions of protein, carbs and veggies and hadn't really counted the actual calories that I was consuming. Well, I guess for the last month or so, I've been tracking my calories. I range from about 900 to 1500 calories. My goal is 1200. Yesterday, I was up to about 1400+ because of the food choices I made. Except for in the evening when I increased veggies and fruit, the entire rest of my day was on program. However, I ate certain foods which are higher in calories than things that I usually eat. I usually limit higher calorie foods to once a day but I wasn't really thinking about it yesterday. Anyway, for those of us dealing with our weight I thought this was a point that we should always consider. Had I tracked my foods as I went along instead of waited until the end of the night, I probably could have made better choices and not gone over.
I got home and the emotions were in full swing but I had extra salad, extra mushrooms, extra grape tomatoes...I didn't have extra protein or extra carbs. I wanted a sweet banana or the granola that I make for my PM snack but I had a grapefruit...I had a whole one instead of half like I'm supposed to. Overall, I think I made better decisions than I used to make but guess what I didn't cope well.
The truth about changing your life (and there are folks who will think that I'm being too hard or strict) but the truth is, there is always something. There is always something that will push me to want to eat when I'm stressed, just like there is always something in an alcoholic that will push them to want to drink or a gambler to gamble or shopper to shop or a drug addict to drug:-) I have to learn to cope without using food. That can't be my solace because a grapefruit today will be a cake tomorrow.
I haven't figured it out. I know that this morning, for my prework-out meal I wanted to eat 3 hard boiled egg whites, 1/2 cup of granola and 1 large banana (which would have constituted a pre-workout meal)...instead I ate 2 egg whites, 1/4 c granola. I chose this because I was satisfied and had I eaten the rest I would have been full instead of satisfied. That's part of it. Listening to my body telling me I've had enough.
The other thing I know is that, I woke up this morning and wanted to roll over instead of get up and work out like I planned. Truth is, I did roll over. I hit snooze and promised myself I'd get in my 5 workouts somehow. A few minutes later I popped out of bed and prepared myself to workout. As I worked out, I pushed myself to have a great workout and not slack up because I wasn't feeling it. About 10 minutes in, I was feeling it. My body was loosening up and my mind was pumping out positive thoughts. I was coping.
There are other things that I need to incorporate into my coping bag of tricks...I'm doing one of them right now and I'll figure other, healthy methods as I go. I know the hug my son gave me last night worked:-) The thing that I do know, in the midst of life's uncertainty is that I there's always something and it's okay because I'm okay.
****
In other news: So, something else that I was reminded of last night as I logged in my foods is that it makes a difference what you eat when. The combination of foods that you eat on a given day impact your overall diet. That seems pretty obvious, but I've spent almost 9 months just dealing with portions of protein, carbs and veggies and hadn't really counted the actual calories that I was consuming. Well, I guess for the last month or so, I've been tracking my calories. I range from about 900 to 1500 calories. My goal is 1200. Yesterday, I was up to about 1400+ because of the food choices I made. Except for in the evening when I increased veggies and fruit, the entire rest of my day was on program. However, I ate certain foods which are higher in calories than things that I usually eat. I usually limit higher calorie foods to once a day but I wasn't really thinking about it yesterday. Anyway, for those of us dealing with our weight I thought this was a point that we should always consider. Had I tracked my foods as I went along instead of waited until the end of the night, I probably could have made better choices and not gone over.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Losing Weight vs. Getting Healthy
I was talking with friend yesterday about the new Weight Watchers points plan and I was sharing my concern with the notion that all veggies and fruits are considered 0 points. I think that there is danger in the concept that certain foods don't count or for that matter that all fruits and vegetables are created equal. When people don't have a problem with food, self-regulation is automatic. They know how to listen to their bodies cues that tell them they have had enough. They can be one and done. People who need to change their relationship with food have long since learned to ignore those cues. We can eat until our stomachs are ready to burst. "One and done? What's that?" Now, it's better to eat lots of grapes rather than lots of cookies but LOTS of anything suggests that hunger is not the issue and that food is being used inappropriately. Basically, it doesn't promote the development of a healthier relationship with food. I must say that I'm not on Weight Watchers and I have not read all of the material on the new system, so if lots of attention is paid to servings, portions, eating until satisfied, etc. and not just calculating points that would alleviate my concern.
Then, later in the day, I was talking with another friend who is involved in a 30 day challenge about healthier living. We began to discuss how there were other people involved in the challenge who had weight loss goals...some where 50 pounds, some 100, some just 20. The interesting thing about the challenge is that it is sponsored or encouraged by Lean Cuisine and Skinny Cow.
My friend is using this challenge to change some of her eating habits...she's not really looking to lose weight, although she does want to get rid of her "mommy pouch," but she already sees that the products involved in this challenge do not necessarily promote health. She looked at the Skinny Cow products and saw that they contain 18 grams of sugar in one serving of a little ice cream treat. That's from a product called "Skinny Cow". If I'm someone who does not looks at nutritional labels and I buy this product thinking that I'm doing better by eating this than something else, I will be wondering in a few weeks why I'm not losing weight. But that wouldn't be the products fault. While it's deceptive there comes a point when, as consumers, we have to ask ourselves what our goals are...we have to ask ourselves the deeper questions about what we want for our lives.
I'm not sure at what point I internalized that my journey was to become more healthy and fit instead of just losing weight but it is a concept that I recently had to remind myself about. The mindset is completely different. Losing weight is easy, you just have to use more calories than you take in. In all honesty it doesn't matter HOW I do it...if I use more calories than I take in, I will lose weight. That doesn't mean that what I'm doing is healthy, sustainable or will give me the actual results that I'm hoping for.
If I'm eating Lean Cuisine for every meal, as a couple in my friend's challenge have decided to do, the amount of sodium and chemicals that I'm ingesting is unimaginable. I may lose weight, if I can truly stick with just eating a Lean Cuisine and not get hungry and eat other things as well but I will not be helping my body. Further, if I'm someone who has a lot of weight to lose and I'm not considering fitness, I guarantee you that I will not like the results of my weight loss. I've been working out since I started and doing toning and I know that I need to do even more.
This is the time of New Year's resolutions. We've all made them. Some of us probably made some this six days ago and have already given up on them because change is hard. We want to see results but we don't think about what we actually need to do to make it happen. We lie to ourselves and say we just need to lose weight when in actuality we need a life overhaul. I encourage everyone who is on a journey to lose weight to think about changing that goal to a journey to good health...the weight will follow if you are doing the things that will help you become healthier. Health is about exercise and drinking enough water and controlling what you put into your body. It's about getting enough sleep and reading nutritional label and paying attention to how your body reacts to different foods. It's about establishing routines and systems that allow you to make healthier choices instead of choices of convenience. It's about making your health and wellness a priority in your life regardless of the obstacles.
Then, later in the day, I was talking with another friend who is involved in a 30 day challenge about healthier living. We began to discuss how there were other people involved in the challenge who had weight loss goals...some where 50 pounds, some 100, some just 20. The interesting thing about the challenge is that it is sponsored or encouraged by Lean Cuisine and Skinny Cow.
My friend is using this challenge to change some of her eating habits...she's not really looking to lose weight, although she does want to get rid of her "mommy pouch," but she already sees that the products involved in this challenge do not necessarily promote health. She looked at the Skinny Cow products and saw that they contain 18 grams of sugar in one serving of a little ice cream treat. That's from a product called "Skinny Cow". If I'm someone who does not looks at nutritional labels and I buy this product thinking that I'm doing better by eating this than something else, I will be wondering in a few weeks why I'm not losing weight. But that wouldn't be the products fault. While it's deceptive there comes a point when, as consumers, we have to ask ourselves what our goals are...we have to ask ourselves the deeper questions about what we want for our lives.
I'm not sure at what point I internalized that my journey was to become more healthy and fit instead of just losing weight but it is a concept that I recently had to remind myself about. The mindset is completely different. Losing weight is easy, you just have to use more calories than you take in. In all honesty it doesn't matter HOW I do it...if I use more calories than I take in, I will lose weight. That doesn't mean that what I'm doing is healthy, sustainable or will give me the actual results that I'm hoping for.
If I'm eating Lean Cuisine for every meal, as a couple in my friend's challenge have decided to do, the amount of sodium and chemicals that I'm ingesting is unimaginable. I may lose weight, if I can truly stick with just eating a Lean Cuisine and not get hungry and eat other things as well but I will not be helping my body. Further, if I'm someone who has a lot of weight to lose and I'm not considering fitness, I guarantee you that I will not like the results of my weight loss. I've been working out since I started and doing toning and I know that I need to do even more.
This is the time of New Year's resolutions. We've all made them. Some of us probably made some this six days ago and have already given up on them because change is hard. We want to see results but we don't think about what we actually need to do to make it happen. We lie to ourselves and say we just need to lose weight when in actuality we need a life overhaul. I encourage everyone who is on a journey to lose weight to think about changing that goal to a journey to good health...the weight will follow if you are doing the things that will help you become healthier. Health is about exercise and drinking enough water and controlling what you put into your body. It's about getting enough sleep and reading nutritional label and paying attention to how your body reacts to different foods. It's about establishing routines and systems that allow you to make healthier choices instead of choices of convenience. It's about making your health and wellness a priority in your life regardless of the obstacles.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Weight Loss Program: Me Not So Long Ago
I went to my Zumba class last night and totally kicked ass again. I love my class. It's growing and growing, though...it's getting tough to get a spot!
Anyway, there was a young lady there yesterday. The daughter of a used-to-be-regular (one of the first guys of the class) and obese. I always take a spot on the front row because there are fewer distractions and clear view of the instructor, so I didn't see the young lady during the beginning of the class. When I finally did see her, she was on the wall not participating in the class. It wasn't that she wasn't engaged but I couldn't tell if it was just too much for her or she did not feel comfortable trying. Whatever it was, I kept my eyes on her for some reason.
I realized later that she reminded me of me. I probably wouldn't even have attended the class but she was there. I decided that I would share my story with her. After the class, I asked if I could talk to her. I told her that nine months ago I weighed 145 pounds more than I do now and that all it takes is for you to start moving...start somewhere. I told her I wasn't trying to get in her business or preach to her but that it's possible to lose the weight, even when it seems too big an endeavor. I told her that I hoped to see her in class again and that it really is possible.
I don't know if she received my little chat in the spirit in which it was given but I had to choke back some tears as I talked to her. I know what it's like to be in that place where either you feel like you have no control over your life and your body. Either she was there from her own desire and could not participate or she was made to come and would not participate...either way I was her not so long ago.
But yesterday, while the former me was in the back of the room spectating, the current me was in the front row, helping another new person figure out that thing called Zumba and showing the rest of the class how big girls can keep up with instructors!
Anyway, there was a young lady there yesterday. The daughter of a used-to-be-regular (one of the first guys of the class) and obese. I always take a spot on the front row because there are fewer distractions and clear view of the instructor, so I didn't see the young lady during the beginning of the class. When I finally did see her, she was on the wall not participating in the class. It wasn't that she wasn't engaged but I couldn't tell if it was just too much for her or she did not feel comfortable trying. Whatever it was, I kept my eyes on her for some reason.
I realized later that she reminded me of me. I probably wouldn't even have attended the class but she was there. I decided that I would share my story with her. After the class, I asked if I could talk to her. I told her that nine months ago I weighed 145 pounds more than I do now and that all it takes is for you to start moving...start somewhere. I told her I wasn't trying to get in her business or preach to her but that it's possible to lose the weight, even when it seems too big an endeavor. I told her that I hoped to see her in class again and that it really is possible.
I don't know if she received my little chat in the spirit in which it was given but I had to choke back some tears as I talked to her. I know what it's like to be in that place where either you feel like you have no control over your life and your body. Either she was there from her own desire and could not participate or she was made to come and would not participate...either way I was her not so long ago.
But yesterday, while the former me was in the back of the room spectating, the current me was in the front row, helping another new person figure out that thing called Zumba and showing the rest of the class how big girls can keep up with instructors!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Weight Loss Program: Announcements, Victories and Stuff
So I have great news on the health front--the report from the biospy looks good, at least no cancer to speak of. I'm still waiting for the myriad of other conditions this could be but it looks like the results will be the same as last year and wind up being inconclusive. This is neither positive or negative. It's great that there is no cancer.
I'm also healing pretty well from the biopsy and even went to my Zumba class yesterday. I felt like a total slacker because I barely worked up a sweat and didn't try to keep up with my instructor like a usually do. I felt like the energy she was expelling was being wasted on me...lol But, I felt amazing afterward. I know I say this a lot but I'm just amazed that I now look to exercise as a release and a way to cope. I friggin' missed working out and couldn't wait to get back. If there is anyone out there who doubts whether they can accomplish their goals, change how they live and achieve what seems impossible please listen to me when I tell you thinking like that is bullshit! Yes!
This was me in July 2008. I almost cried when I saw this picture today.
This is me today...in my size 14s! So, don't tell me what's not possible.
When I began my journey, I was a size 30-32 (barely). Today I am wearing a pair of pants that are size 14, which I got from my sister, who never has been able to give me clothes. (They're stretchy but they fit comfortably and have a 14 on the tag!) I'm not claiming this as my Hot 100 Goal accomplished yet though because I want to be able to wear the same cut jean as my 16s. But I'm almost there. I'm almost there in a month that was not my best emotionally or with controlling my portions. I'm almost there with almost 2 weeks of not being able to work out (I came back earlier than advised but only by a few days.) But, I'm almost there because I didn't let those difficult moments snowball. I continue every day to refocused, adjusted, adapted and pushed harder.
I wrote on someone's blog yesterday that my greatest achievement during my journey has not been losing weight. Losing weight is easy really. My greatest achievement has been taking control of my life and claiming my own power. There is absolutely nothing that can get in the way of me reaching my goal and maintaining a healthy lifestyle for the rest of my life except me. There are a million reasons why I can't but I'm the one reason why I won't. I determine what will stop me. I determine what challenges are too big to overcome. I determine how much effort I'll put in to finding my success. I determine what I am willing to change and what I'm not. I determine what I put in my mouth. I determine whether I push myself to lift my leg higher or squat lower. I determine whether I learn new ways to cope with my emotions, even during TOM. I determine if I find alternatives to the foods I like when they don't like me. I determine what things I need to remove from my life altogether and those things that I need to put in place.
There will always be challenges to overcome. When I allow my challenges to become excuses, that's when I fail. My own empowerment, taking control of my life is my greatest accomplishment.
I'm also healing pretty well from the biopsy and even went to my Zumba class yesterday. I felt like a total slacker because I barely worked up a sweat and didn't try to keep up with my instructor like a usually do. I felt like the energy she was expelling was being wasted on me...lol But, I felt amazing afterward. I know I say this a lot but I'm just amazed that I now look to exercise as a release and a way to cope. I friggin' missed working out and couldn't wait to get back. If there is anyone out there who doubts whether they can accomplish their goals, change how they live and achieve what seems impossible please listen to me when I tell you thinking like that is bullshit! Yes!
When I began my journey, I was a size 30-32 (barely). Today I am wearing a pair of pants that are size 14, which I got from my sister, who never has been able to give me clothes. (They're stretchy but they fit comfortably and have a 14 on the tag!) I'm not claiming this as my Hot 100 Goal accomplished yet though because I want to be able to wear the same cut jean as my 16s. But I'm almost there. I'm almost there in a month that was not my best emotionally or with controlling my portions. I'm almost there with almost 2 weeks of not being able to work out (I came back earlier than advised but only by a few days.) But, I'm almost there because I didn't let those difficult moments snowball. I continue every day to refocused, adjusted, adapted and pushed harder.
I wrote on someone's blog yesterday that my greatest achievement during my journey has not been losing weight. Losing weight is easy really. My greatest achievement has been taking control of my life and claiming my own power. There is absolutely nothing that can get in the way of me reaching my goal and maintaining a healthy lifestyle for the rest of my life except me. There are a million reasons why I can't but I'm the one reason why I won't. I determine what will stop me. I determine what challenges are too big to overcome. I determine how much effort I'll put in to finding my success. I determine what I am willing to change and what I'm not. I determine what I put in my mouth. I determine whether I push myself to lift my leg higher or squat lower. I determine whether I learn new ways to cope with my emotions, even during TOM. I determine if I find alternatives to the foods I like when they don't like me. I determine what things I need to remove from my life altogether and those things that I need to put in place.
There will always be challenges to overcome. When I allow my challenges to become excuses, that's when I fail. My own empowerment, taking control of my life is my greatest accomplishment.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Weight Loss & Fitness: My Biggest NSV To Date
I placed my order for the ZUMBA total fitness package on September 10, 2010. I went to my first ZUMBA class on October 23, 2010. Today after my class my instructor told me about a Health & Fitness fair that will take place in January and that she wants me to attend...on stage with a group who will demonstrate the ZUMBA routine! How friggin' amazingly awesome is that?!? She told me that she likes the way I move and that she wants me to do 4 songs with the group.
I'm totally psyched about this one y'all. Doing ZUMBA on a stage. I mean, 8 months ago I would have been lucky if I could last 5 minutes and that's being generous. Today, during the part of the routine when the instructor goes around the room and kind of dances in front of you--motivating you to push harder--I matched her move for more and told her "I'm gonna keep up with you!" She said, "I know, Mama. You go!" This was even before the exciting news. This is big for me, just because of where I started. I'm honored by being asked and proud of me for working myself to the point of making it possible.
OK, so you know this is gonna give me an amazing push to my finish because I will be working my ASS off until January so that I don't look ridiculous on that stage.
Let me also say about this event that for those of you in the Philadelphia area, it looks like it will be great fun for the whole family with lots of opportunities to try out new exercise programs and receive great information about living a healthier life. I will post more about it soon...be on the look out or let me know if you want more information.
In other news: I've been properly chastised by some of you out there who have gotten on my for not blogging, so I'm revising my Hot 100 Challenge goal of blogging at least 3 times a week to blogging once a day. I'm including an opt out clause for training weeks but will do at least 3x even then. Thanks for keeping me on track and for even giving a hoot about what I write:-) Love you all.
I'm totally psyched about this one y'all. Doing ZUMBA on a stage. I mean, 8 months ago I would have been lucky if I could last 5 minutes and that's being generous. Today, during the part of the routine when the instructor goes around the room and kind of dances in front of you--motivating you to push harder--I matched her move for more and told her "I'm gonna keep up with you!" She said, "I know, Mama. You go!" This was even before the exciting news. This is big for me, just because of where I started. I'm honored by being asked and proud of me for working myself to the point of making it possible.
OK, so you know this is gonna give me an amazing push to my finish because I will be working my ASS off until January so that I don't look ridiculous on that stage.
Let me also say about this event that for those of you in the Philadelphia area, it looks like it will be great fun for the whole family with lots of opportunities to try out new exercise programs and receive great information about living a healthier life. I will post more about it soon...be on the look out or let me know if you want more information.
In other news: I've been properly chastised by some of you out there who have gotten on my for not blogging, so I'm revising my Hot 100 Challenge goal of blogging at least 3 times a week to blogging once a day. I'm including an opt out clause for training weeks but will do at least 3x even then. Thanks for keeping me on track and for even giving a hoot about what I write:-) Love you all.
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