Just Checking In

I'm just checking in.  I don't have much to say but I'm having a good week so far.  I'm basically out in the real world figuring out how to deal with my stress.  Here's my list so far: Exercise...well, Zumba; deep breathing; physically writing in my journal, which is very different from writing here; and playing spider solitaire.  I'm still not out of Bonkerville but I'm still going in the right direction.

I've been thinking about why I've suddenly started turning to food again and I realized that it takes a lot of mental energy to be healthy when you've spent your life not.  Lately, I haven't wanted to work that hard.  Honestly, I just have felt tired, mentally. Here's what I wrote today, instead of eating a bagel:

"I think too much about food.  I need to focus on the other aspects of my life but honestly, when you're tired you don't have the energy to.  I just want to relax! I don't feeling like working on shit!  I don't feel like TRYING to be a better parent or TRYING to lose weight or TRYING to be healthier...TRYING to go back to school or TRYING to do better financially...I just wish that some stuff could just be what I want it to be.  That's totally realistic right? HA! Ok, so food gives me pleasure at a time when I'm feeling overwhelmed and it's mindless and effortless but it's not painless.  I need to find the other things that bring me pleasure.  Exercise...well Zumba and my class, sex and intimacy, Bboy when he's not over the moon crazy, playing spider solitaire, watching TV, watching the scale move down! achieving and being successful.  Being in control & feeling powerful.


I got great satisfaction from the feeling of "overcoming" and "winning the battle" over food.  I want that back.  I miss not being tempted by food.  I think I don't have the mental energy to resist.  The battle is really raging inside me and I'm really tired!  I just want it to be easy for a minute.  I want all the struggle to leave my head and I think giving in does that.  There's peace for a minute.  Maybe my Zumba class does that too.  I think there is a physical thing that happens by pushing myself in the workout and I feel good.  I feel good after too!  That's different from the eating.  I don't feel good after, when I regain my senses and think about what I've done.


If I could be fat, healthy and happy this wouldn't be an issue!  Why is life so hard?  Maybe I can just write my way through life and not have to make things work...I can just think about how things can work best and never have to put it into practice.  I'm really good at that.  


I guess my task now is getting over this notion that life is supposed to be easy.  Shit happens and I have to deal.  I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and get off my ass and make some things happen.  I've worked too fucking hard for almost a year to give up for a cookie!  I can fight, I'm tough and if I'm not, learning how to be tough is better than being a pussy any day!  Pity party over and when you feel pitiful again...write!  Or breathe or exercise or sing a Zumba song or think about your goal!  Keep watching those pounds come off.  You can do this...Ok, get back to work...you're strong enough until the next pity party!"

I actually like that free writing.  It's my place to work my stuff out.  Whatever comes to my mind, putting it down on paper for no one, just me.  It actually really did help me through wanting to eat naughty things!  I may share more on here or maybe not.

Things I Learned On My Trip To Bonkerville

Ok, so I'm inching my way back from the brink of insanity or something.  I had a very, very stressful week last week, which was not caused by my usual stress of training weeks.  I just didn't have it in me.  Every thing that happened piled on top of this huge weight that was plopped in my lap (on my heart, maybe more accurate) and just splished-splashed over the top until I went bonkers.

I won't tell you how much weight I gained last week but it was enough to jar me back to sanity.  I won't tell you what I allowed to enter into my body after 9+ months of abstinence either, but it was enough to make me feel the worst I've felt since I said farewell to it.

With each day in Bonkerville, I gave myself permission to eat the things that I had "denied" myself with the promise each evening that I would be back on track in the morning.  In the morning, I would begin as promised until...  Until whatever happened that would push me back over the edge.

I'm back on the road.  I know that I'm not all the way out of Bonkerville, but the big city lights are definitely in the rear view and I feel myself pressing harder on the gas and increasing speed, but the city limits sign is still ahead. I'm back to eating the foods that I'm supposed to, but my portions and timing are off.  I'm working on it, but the weight is coming off, so I know I'm on the road. It was a scary place to visit, but I learned some things.

Things I learned on my trip to Bonkerville:

•  I have to make it a priority to fill my Stress Management Tool Box.  As I said in a previous post, I thought I handled stress well, but I don't...I ate and ate and ate.  I can't do that anymore...that can't be my solution.  I have to tell you...breathing helped me several times on Friday and Saturday.  I wanted to eat but I took a deep breath and another and another and another until the impulse passed and I could hear myself saying "no."  Exercise gives me solace too...well Zumba.  I always feel better, stronger and more balanced after a Zumba workout.
• My lifestyle now...the foods I eat, my physical fitness work so much better...make me feel so much better.  I felt icky all week and it wasn't the guilt.  I was stuffed...I felt like food was backed up into my throat and it wasn't even the amounts I used to eat!  My heart was racing, I was hotter (with how cold I am lately, this was the only benefit:-)), I was tired and sluggish, and on top of all of that I felt OUT OF CONTROL!!!!  When you've experienced a since of control over your life or an area of your life that you've struggled with for so long...that loss of control is painful, gut-wrenching and terrifying.
• When you ask for help, you have to listen to those you turn to...  I realized something when I shared my circumstances with a co-worker and an online blogger friend.   There are times when I reach out for help and don't listen to the help that's offered.  On Friday I reached the peak of my insanity and turned these two people and decided to listen to what they were telling me.  I had been turning to people all week, letting them know that I was in crisis but for the most part what I took from their help was that it was understandable why I was turning to food and not to be so hard on myself.  I didn't hear, get back on track.  For whatever reason, because I felt desperate or awful or terrified, I listened on Friday.  I listened to a friend who told me that I had been through a lot but that "Fat Faridha cannot handle what needs to be handled."  I listened to a friend who hugged me and cried with me and then laid out an action plan to get my ass on the road and out of Bonkerville!  She was amazing.  She was compassionate but unrelenting in her determination that I would make it through.  There were a few times, while we talked, that I wished I had not shared my plight...because she was forcing me to stand up and put int he work to regain control.  But, then I remembered my desperation, how physically awful I was feeling, how terrified I was of not being able to get back on track and I surrendered.    I've talked to her everyday since mid-day Friday and I've taken off about 1/2 of the weight that I put on.  I feel stronger and more in control and grateful.
• I knew this already but it never hurts to be reminded that I am loved and cared for!  I cannot tell you how totally blessed I feel right now.  Even with all I'm dealing with there is no doubt in my mind that God blesses me every single day.  I am surrounded...I am enveloped by people who love me and will not let me endure struggles alone.  Who will not let me give in to my worst impulses and who will jump into action to rescue me.  Who will move heaven and earth to show how much they care for my well-being.  Who will drive down from Jersey or up from Baltimore just to see in my eyes that I'm okay.  Who will make difficult phone calls and dig in somebody's ass to make sure that I am cared for and protected.  Who will love and nurture my son when I am not able  Who will call me everyday even on Sunday to check in and make sure I'm on track and let me know that I'm not in anything alone!  I am overwhelmed by it, I'm inspired by it, I am blessed by it and I am grateful.

There's Always Something

I had a rough day yesterday and was stressed to the point of wanting to go get a protein bar and drown my sorrows.  I decided, in that moment, to stick with my program.  I ate my snack that I had prepared (another reason to prepare all of your meals and take them with you...less of an excuse to turn to ick.) and enjoyed it.  As I drove home, I realized that I was taking my old route that led me right past my old haunt, Burger King.  There was a twinge of nostalgia but I kept it moving.

I got home and the emotions were in full swing but I had extra salad, extra mushrooms, extra grape tomatoes...I didn't have extra protein or extra carbs.  I wanted a sweet banana or the granola that I make for my PM snack but I had a grapefruit...I had a whole one instead of half like I'm supposed to.  Overall, I think I made better decisions than I used to make but guess what I didn't cope well.

The truth about changing your life (and there are folks who will think that I'm being too hard or strict) but the truth is, there is always something.  There is always something that will push me to want to eat when I'm stressed, just like there is always something in an alcoholic that will push them to want to drink or a gambler to gamble or shopper to shop or a drug addict to drug:-)  I have to learn to cope without using food.  That can't be my solace because a grapefruit today will be a cake tomorrow.

I haven't figured it out.  I know that this morning, for my prework-out meal I wanted to eat 3 hard boiled egg whites, 1/2 cup of granola and 1 large banana (which would have constituted a pre-workout meal)...instead I ate 2 egg whites, 1/4 c granola.  I chose this because I was satisfied and had I eaten the rest I would have been full instead of satisfied.  That's part of it.  Listening to my body telling me I've had enough.

The other thing I know is that, I woke up this morning and wanted to roll over instead of get up and work out like I planned.  Truth is, I did roll over.  I hit snooze and promised myself I'd get in my 5 workouts somehow. A few minutes later I popped out of bed and prepared myself to workout.  As I worked out, I pushed myself to have a great workout and not slack up because I wasn't feeling it.  About 10 minutes in, I was feeling it.  My body was loosening up and my mind was pumping out positive thoughts.  I was coping.

There are other things that I need to incorporate into my coping bag of tricks...I'm doing one of them right now and I'll figure other, healthy methods as I go.  I know the hug my son gave me last night worked:-)  The thing that I do know, in the midst of life's uncertainty is that I there's always something and it's okay because I'm okay.

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In other news:  So, something else that I was reminded of last night as I logged in my foods is that it makes a difference what you eat when.  The combination of foods that you eat on a given day impact your overall diet.  That seems pretty obvious, but I've spent almost 9 months just dealing with portions of protein, carbs and veggies and hadn't really counted the actual calories that I was consuming.  Well, I guess for the last month or so, I've been tracking my calories.  I range from about 900 to 1500 calories.  My goal is 1200.  Yesterday, I was up to about 1400+ because of the food choices I made.  Except for in the evening when I increased veggies and fruit, the entire rest of my day was on program.  However, I ate certain foods which are higher in calories than things that I usually eat.  I usually limit higher calorie foods to once a day but I wasn't really thinking about it yesterday.  Anyway, for those of us dealing with our weight I thought this was a point that we should always consider.  Had I tracked my foods as I went along instead of waited until the end of the night, I probably could have made better choices and not gone over.

Losing Weight vs. Getting Healthy

I was talking with friend yesterday about the new Weight Watchers points plan and I was sharing my concern with the notion that all veggies and fruits are considered 0 points.  I think that there is danger in the concept that certain foods don't count or for that matter that all fruits and vegetables are created equal.  When people don't have a problem with food, self-regulation is automatic.  They know how to listen to their bodies cues that tell them they have had enough.  They can be one and done.  People who need to change their relationship with food have long since learned to ignore those cues.  We can eat until our stomachs are ready to burst.  "One and done? What's that?"  Now, it's better to eat lots of grapes rather than lots of cookies but LOTS of anything suggests that hunger is not the issue and that food is being used inappropriately.  Basically, it doesn't promote the development of a healthier relationship with food.  I must say that I'm not on Weight Watchers and I have not read all of the material on the new system, so if lots of attention is paid to servings, portions, eating until satisfied, etc. and not just calculating points that would alleviate my concern.

Then, later in the day, I was talking with another friend who is involved in a 30 day challenge about healthier living.  We began to discuss how there were other people involved in the challenge who had weight loss goals...some where 50 pounds, some 100, some just 20.  The interesting thing about the challenge is that it is sponsored or encouraged by Lean Cuisine and Skinny Cow.

My friend is using this challenge to change some of her eating habits...she's not really looking to lose weight, although she does want to get rid of her "mommy pouch," but she already sees that the products involved in this challenge do not necessarily promote health.  She looked at the Skinny Cow products and saw that they contain 18 grams of sugar in one serving of a little ice cream treat. That's from a product called "Skinny Cow".  If I'm someone who does not looks at nutritional labels and I buy this product thinking that I'm doing better by eating this than something else, I will be wondering in a few weeks why I'm not losing weight.  But that wouldn't be the products fault.  While it's deceptive there comes a point when, as consumers, we have to ask ourselves what our goals are...we have to ask ourselves the deeper questions about what we want for our lives.

I'm not sure at what point I internalized that my journey was to become more healthy and fit instead of just losing weight but it is a concept that I recently had to remind myself about.  The mindset is completely different. Losing weight is easy, you just have to use more calories than you take in.  In all honesty it doesn't matter HOW I do it...if I use more calories than I take in, I will lose weight.  That doesn't mean that what I'm doing is healthy, sustainable or will give me the actual results that I'm hoping for.

If I'm eating Lean Cuisine for every meal, as a couple in my friend's challenge have decided to do, the amount of sodium and chemicals that I'm ingesting is unimaginable.  I may lose weight, if I can truly stick with just eating a Lean Cuisine and not get hungry and eat other things as well but I will not be helping my body.  Further, if I'm someone who has a lot of weight to lose and I'm not considering fitness, I guarantee you that I  will not like the results of my weight loss.  I've been working out since I started and doing toning and I know that I need to do even more.

This is the time of New Year's resolutions.  We've all made them.  Some of us probably made some this six days ago and have already given up on them because change is hard.  We want to see results but we don't think about what we actually need to do to make it happen.  We lie to ourselves and say we just need to lose weight when in actuality we need a life overhaul.  I encourage everyone who is on a journey to lose weight to think about changing that goal to a journey to good health...the weight will follow if you are doing the things that will help you become healthier.  Health is about exercise and drinking enough water and controlling what you put into your body.  It's about getting enough sleep and reading nutritional label and paying attention to how your body reacts to different foods.  It's about establishing routines and systems that allow you to make healthier choices instead of choices of convenience.  It's about making your health and wellness a priority in your life regardless of the obstacles.

Coping

Happy New Year!

I haven't been around for a while and unfortunately I must say that I did not do a good job of sticking with my eating program.

I used to think that I handled stress amazingly well.  I would watch others relying on destructive behaviors like drinking, smoking, drugs, lashing out at others or just shutting others out and shutting themselves down.  That wasn't me, at least I don't think that was me.  Truth is I had my own destructive behavior...FOOD.  I learned early in my journey that I'm an emotional eater and that stress triggers my craving to eat.  I know this.  Except lately, I've allowed myself to return to some of those old coping with food behaviors.

My surge in cooking, adapting off-plan foods to my program, baking off-plan foods for others to enjoy were all things that slowly (or not so slowly) led me back to an unhealthy relationship with food.  I was thinking about it all the time because of researching and experimenting.  Food was central for enjoyment and not sustenance.  I debated the issue in a previous post and I guess the answer is "I'm not there yet."

So, yesterday I went back to basics.  I began a new "six weeks" for my program.  I have never stopped doing the program but I did stop counting the weeks in six week increments.  Well, I'm in the first week of a new six weeks with a goal of losing 25 pounds.  That's the remaining weight that I have to lose.  I don't know if my body will lose that quickly but I will follow the plan exactly and go for broke!

I also need to deal with how I cope.  One positive thing that I've done has been to step up my exercise regimen.  I worked out almost everyday from December 24th to January 2nd...at least eight of of ten days.  I also upped the intensity, weights and added ab work.  However, I've been dealing with some stress that I actually haven't dealt with, if that makes sense.  Here's the deal folks.  I need some help.  I'm gonna share some stuff that I don't need any feedback on but just need to share.  Then, I'm going to tell you what I need you guys to do to help me be accountable to myself.

My Stress:

Health Issues--If you've been reading then you know I recently had a lymph node biopsy of an enlarged lymph node.  The initial and fantabulous report of there being no cancer is still fantabulous but unfortunately has not been the end of the story.  The doctors are still testing for other diseases or conditions that could be causing my lymph nodes to enlarge.  According to the pathologists, the lymph node does not present itself as harmless but they have not been able to detect anything wrong.  The node has been sent off to other experts for further testing.  I've been in a "what the hell is going on in my body" mode since September and on a emotional roller coaster of first being relieved that there was no cancer to being terrified that maybe that wasn't the worst case scenario.  I need to say, that I have amazingly wonderful people around me who give me a tremendous amount of support and encouragement, who help me to stay positive and always think the best...but there are times when I just need someone to listen to me be scared and to give voice to the terror that exists in my brain about what going on with me.  Honestly, I think the result of all of this will be the same as a year ago.  I think that I am one of a small percent of people who has enlarged lymph nodes for no apparent reason...or no apparent horrible, life threatening reason.  BUT, I have to acknowledge the fact that it may be something else and that scares me...so here goes, here's my voice saying that "I'm terrified that I could  have the battle for my life on the horizon...that I could be seriously debilitated in some way just as I've gotten my health and body in the best condition it's ever been...or even worse, that I will not see my son grow up."  Ok, with that said, whatever is out there for me, I will deal.

Mothering--I've talked before about my struggles with mommihood.  Being a single mom is THE hardest thing that I have ever done, hands down!  I say this and I have a lot of support.  I live with my parents and they help me to no end with raising an intelligent, strong-willed, opinionated, energetic, physical and rough & tumble almost 4 year old.  I struggle all the time with defining for myself a style of parenting that will work for us and this is complicated by sharing that responsibility with two other adults who are grand parent guardians and a father who is a part of his son's life but does not live with him.  And, if I'm honest, I would say that I'm intimidated by the fact that of these adults I am the only one who is doing this for the first time.  Lately, there has been a lot of concern about the aggressive and defiant behavior that my son is displaying.  I don't know if his behavior is abnormal for his age and personality but I do know that I have struggled somewhat with how to channel the positive aspects of his strong personality and lessen the destructive/unhealthy/pain-in-the-ass negative aspects.  I'm working on it and I'm feeling more confident in things that I can/need to do to teach him how to be a thinking, caring and sociable boy.  But I've been stressed about it.



My Journey--People tell me all the time how much I've inspired them and that is inspiring to me.  I've been asked how will I use my journey to help others and to even benefit myself.  The one thing that I've learned lately is that my journey isn't over. I think I fooled myself into thinking that I had arrived at my destination, but I haven't reached my goal and while I've discovered the answers to a lot of questions, I haven't answered all of my questions or even asked them all.  I know that I can keep sharing my journey, but that's it for now.  I have to finish helping myself and figuring it out.  I have to continue to find my own inspiration, reinvest in my own commitment and ask myself everyday if I'm doing the things that will allow me to accomplish my goal.

And this leads me to the point when I tell you what I need from you, whoever you are out there who've been paying attention.  When I'm not blogging, I'm off my game.  If you're not getting blogs from me, then I need you to email me...mybestself614@gmail.com or call me if you have my number or hit me up on Facebook and ask me what the hell is up!  I guarantee you, if the blogs aren't coming I'm feeling overwhelmed, uninspired or out of balance.  My goal is to blog at least three times a week, except during training weeks when I know I feel overwhelmed, uninspired and out of balance...I give myself a pass for that week, cause a girl is just tired! (That will be next week, by the way.)  So, that's what I need from you guys as I work to try to get the final 25 pounds off my hips forever...actually my hips are looking pretty hot--my thighs, arms and gut could use 25 off.

Thank you guys for being there so far...more to come.

Weight Loss Program: Me Not So Long Ago

I went to my Zumba class last night and totally kicked ass again.  I love my class.  It's growing and growing, though...it's getting tough to get a spot!

Anyway, there was a young lady there yesterday.  The daughter of a used-to-be-regular (one of the first guys of the class) and obese.  I always take a spot on the front row because there are fewer distractions and clear view of the instructor, so I didn't see the young lady during the beginning of the class.  When I finally did see her, she was on the wall not participating in the class.  It wasn't that she wasn't engaged but I couldn't tell if it was just too much for her or she did not feel comfortable trying.  Whatever it was, I kept my eyes on her for some reason.

I realized later that she reminded me of me.  I probably wouldn't even have attended the class but she was there.  I decided that I would share my story with her.  After the class, I asked if I could talk to her. I told her that nine months ago I weighed 145 pounds more than I do now and that all it takes is for you to start moving...start somewhere.  I told her I wasn't trying to get in her business or preach to her but that it's possible to lose the weight, even when it seems too big an endeavor.  I told her that I hoped to see her in class again and that it really is possible.

I don't know if she received my little chat in the spirit in which it was given but I had to choke back some tears as I talked to her.  I know what it's like to be in that place where either you feel like you have no control over your life and your body.  Either she was there from her own desire and could not participate or she was made to come and would not participate...either way I was her not so long ago.

But yesterday, while the former me was in the back of the room spectating, the current me was in the front row, helping another new person figure out that thing called Zumba and showing the rest of the class how big girls can keep up with instructors!

Weight Loss Program: Being Accountable

So, I had a great weekend with the Eagles amazing win!  Philly has just been beating up on New York all week long: we stole Lee, beat the Rangers and totally stole the hearts of the Giants in 7+ minutes!  Sorry Aunt Marion but I told you to stop trying to brainwash my son:-)

Anyway, eating wise I had an interesting weekend.  I just wanted to eat this weekend.  I think it's TOM rearing its ugly head.  Usually when I get that light-headed feeling when I'm getting up, I know TOM is heading my way. So, I did a lot of cooking this weekend and I've been having a tough time not picking/tasting as I go.  I am logging everything though so it's being accounted for.  Anyway, I decided to make some cookies as Christmas gifts for the teachers in my son's daycare and I had 1/2 of one.  It was really good but it tripped me all out.  I didn't feel good about eating it.

I tried to justify it: "You only ate half...you could have eaten more...you just wanted to see how it tasted...it's not a big deal....if you were on weight watchers you could have had it no problem..."  Truth is I'm not on weight watchers and it's not something that is on my program and I ate it because it looked and smelled good.  That's it.  But, I'm not gonna make it into a big deal b/c I've thought about why I did it, I'm not making excuses, and I'm back on track today but I did need to be accountable for eating it.  That to me would be worse than eating the cookie.

It's funny though.  I feel the temptation of off-plan food more than I did in the beginning.  I don't know why exactly, but I do know that I just have to make the choices every day that work for me.  So, while the temptation is there, I also just feel like I'm not the same person I used to be and my decisions are just better, more purposeful and based on maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

In other news:  I freaking freezing!!!!!  My fingertips are blue! and I had to cover up my cute outfit of my mom's olive green sweater that I've gotten a ton of complements on with my too, too big sweater from my former life...come on, man!  How's that for irony?  I lose a bunch of weight and get a getting their cute body and have to cover it up cause I'm cold!  Well, I guess my man is pleased:-)  Later, yall.

Was supposed to publish this last night, but I just crashed!
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I went to my job's End of the Year party last night.  We go on this boat called The Spirit of Philadelphia and most of the time I go because I feel obligated not because I really want to.  It was really no different this year except I got a little more excited to go because I got to play dress up with my mom's clothes.  I have to say I looked cute.  My underwear, stockings, jeans and shoes were mine...everything else, including the lipstick I wore was borrowed from my mom.

I felt like I finally was able to benefit from a time honored tradition that my sister has enjoyed for years...borrowing your mom's good clothes.  My mom and dad were really excited that I was able to join the tradition, so much so that I don't think that the true implications have hit my mom yet.  She's just pleased that it's now possible.  My dad, always the more practical and realistic, quickly asked her if she wanted him to buy some locks when he went out.

I moved into a new decade this week, always a great mental milestone.  I've got 28.8 pounds left to lose.  That's just amazing to me.  Under 30 pounds left when I started with 175.  I remember thinking about that number and being scared of it.  I had never set a pound goal or an actual weight goal for that matter and 175 seemed so intimidating.   Clearly, that is a Biggest Loser number, a gastric bypass or lap band number, or at the very least it was a 2-3 year in the future number.

Coming so far, in such a short amount of time has benefits and challenges.  I'm grateful that I'm moving quickly and staying motivated (with a few blips here or there).  I worry at times that the mental changes that I must maintain aren't permanent.  I think that time would do a better job to imprint them on my soul, though I don't know if that is even possible.  At the very least, they would be stronger habits, less of a deviation from my norm.  But, like I said, maybe that never happens.  Maybe my reality, my cross to bear, is that I will always have to make the decision, everyday.  Hey, maybe this is what normal eaters do everyday too.  Never been one so I don't know.

Weight Loss Program: Announcements, Victories and Stuff

So I have great news on the health front--the report from the biospy looks good, at least no cancer to speak of. I'm still waiting for the myriad of other conditions this could be but it looks like the results will be the same as last year and wind up being inconclusive.  This is neither positive or negative.  It's great that there is no cancer.

I'm also healing pretty well from the biopsy and even went to my Zumba class yesterday.  I felt like a total slacker because I barely worked up a sweat and didn't try to keep up with my instructor like a usually do.  I felt like the energy she was expelling was being wasted on me...lol  But, I felt amazing afterward.  I know I say this a lot but I'm just amazed that I now look to exercise as a release and a way to cope.  I friggin' missed working out and couldn't wait to get back.  If there is anyone out there who doubts whether they can accomplish their goals, change how they live and achieve what seems impossible please listen to me when I tell you thinking like that is bullshit!  Yes!

This was me in July 2008.  I almost cried when I saw this picture today.

This is me today...in my size 14s!  So, don't tell me what's not possible.














When I began my journey, I was a size 30-32 (barely).  Today I am wearing a pair of pants that are size 14, which I got from my sister, who never has been able to give me clothes.  (They're stretchy but they fit comfortably and have a 14 on the tag!)  I'm not claiming this as my Hot 100 Goal accomplished yet though because I want to be able to wear the same cut jean as my 16s.  But I'm almost there.  I'm almost there in a month that was not my best emotionally or with controlling my portions.  I'm almost there with almost 2 weeks of not being able to work out (I came back earlier than advised but only by a few days.) But, I'm almost there because I didn't let those difficult moments snowball.  I continue every day to refocused, adjusted, adapted and pushed harder. 
I wrote on someone's blog yesterday that my greatest achievement during my journey has not been losing weight.  Losing weight is easy really.  My greatest achievement has been taking control of my life and claiming my own power.  There is absolutely nothing that can get in the way of me reaching my goal and maintaining a healthy lifestyle for the rest of my life except me.  There are a million reasons why I can't but I'm the one reason why I won't.  I determine what will stop me.  I determine what challenges are too big to overcome.  I determine how much effort I'll put in to finding my success.  I determine what I am willing to change and what I'm not.  I determine what I put in my mouth.  I determine whether I push myself to lift my leg higher or squat lower.  I determine whether I learn new ways to cope with my emotions, even during TOM.  I determine if I find alternatives to the foods I like when they don't like me.  I determine what things I need to remove from my life altogether and those things that I need to put in place.

There will always be challenges to overcome.  When I allow my challenges to become excuses, that's when I fail.  My own empowerment, taking control of my life is my greatest accomplishment.

Weight Loss Program: What I'm Thankful For

I don't know that many people can say what I'm about to say:  I lost a pound at Thanksgiving!  That's right.  A pound.  I'll be honest, I haven't been doing very well the last couple of weeks.  I've felt kind of out of control and I know it's because I've been on an emotional roller coaster.  (I've also had to go into Food Network recovery, because I think it was not helping with my cravings.)  My weight loss has slowed but I must say that my exercise program has excelled.  I'm pushing myself more and feel really strong.   I did a ZUMBA workout with the DVDs today that I haven't done in a while and some of the exercises that I couldn't really do before were really easy for me.  I'm also working out with additional arm weights and that is not really an easy task.  I'm really thankful for ZUMBA and my determination.

I cooked my first Thanksgiving meal this year.  Not my first on program meal but my first meal period!  Here was the menu (no pictures, sorry, there was enough pressure just to get it cooked let alone remembering to take pictures!):  Maple-glazed turkey, quinoa apple-cranberry dressing (minimal fruit content with each portion and is considered a freebie), roasted butternut and acorn squash with cinnamon and nutmeg, ginger-maple glazed carrots, collard greens & kale and pumpkin "pie" with a meringue shell crust.  Except for some picking off of the turkey, especially when I was putting it away & a tiny bit of the skin when it came out of the oven, I ate within the portions that I was supposed to.  I had about 3 oz of turkey (on my plate); 1/8 c mashed potatoes & parsnips (made by my mom and put on my plate before the butter/salt and whatever else was added); 1/8 c butternut-acorn squash; 1/4 c quinoa dressing; 1 c greens; 1/2 c carrots, 1 c or less of spinach salad with apples, pears and balsamic vinegar (probably the most not on plan b/c of the fruit) and then 2 1/2 hours later I had my pumpkin pie for my afternoon snack.  By the way, this was all my lunch so I was also able to follow it up with dinner, which was 2.45 oz of turkey, 1/2 c salad, 1/2 c greens and 1/4 c granola (lighter carb portion).

I'm thankful that I've been cooking enough now that I was able to alter recipes to make them work for my plan and feel like I was having a real Thanksgiving meal.  I'm also thankful that I'm seeing how fulfilling it is to make these changes in my life so that I can be healthier for my son and those I love.

I'm thankful that my size 16s are getting loose.

I'm thankful that I have three giant bags of clothes that I can no longer fit b/ they are too big and that my closets are darn near empty.

I'm thankful that last week , when I learned that I would need to get the same biopsy procedure done that I got last year because my lymph nodes had enlarged again, I didn't really want food, I wanted to go to my ZUMBA class and i did.

I'm thankful that I can see muscle definition forming all over my body.

I'm thankful that I have a family that loves me and enjoys each other's company so that we have drama free holiday get togethers.

I'm thankful tat my son has family who loves him and enjoys his company even when he's waking them up early, biting them and jumping all over them.

I'm thankful that my aunt treated her broke-behind niece and by extension, nephew to the movie "Tangled".

I'm thankful that as long as you're alive, you have second chances.

I'm thankful that my sister is living closer to me and is enjoying her budding new life with someone who loves her.

I'm thankful that my son's teachers called me Wednesday and let me know that his ear was hurting so that we could go to the doctor and get the green play dough out of his ear.

I'm thankful that I'm once again inspired to write my blog.

What are you thankful for?

Weight Loss Psychology: Realizations, Change and Challenging Yourself

When I weighed in yesterday morning, I had to sit down and really think hard about what the numbers meant and how I felt about it.  When the reality hit that not only had I move into a new decade but that I now had under 40 pounds to lose, I couldn't hold back the emotion. It was as if I finally allowed myself to really believe that I would reach my goal.  For the first time, even though I have heard often that giving yourself a good pep talk in the mirror is valuable, I actually did it.  I looked at myself, as far down as my little bathroom mirror would allow and examined my diminishing figure and emerging curves (instead of ripples), the muscle definition beginning to form and the body I will have when I'm fully transformed...I gotta tell ya'll, I will be hot shit! lol

Weight Loss Psychology: Romanticizing

My son is in love with Michael Jackson right now.  Every time we're in the car he says, "Michael Jackson, Mommy.  Put on Michael Jackson."  His introduction to the music of MJ came after Michael's death, when Bboy's father and I spent the entire weekend watching back to back videos.  It amused me how as they showed Michael as a little boy and then moved through to his final videos, Bboy would constantly ask, "Is that Michael Jackson?"